Identity

Currently I am struggling with something I can only assume is an identity crisis. With such crisis comes the need to be introspective....thus this blog.
I am more "me" now than I have been in years. I am healthy, and by which I mean: eating right, working out, getting plenty of fluids and plenty of fresh air. I am happy, and by which I mean: I love my job, love my family, love my friends, enjoy the volunteering and other altruistic endeavors I'm involved in. I am confident, and by which I mean: I no longer feel the need to reward dinner and drinks with my sex, I no longer feel my life is measured by the man attached to it and I no longer see myself as a victim of life. (Ok....so I am fluctuating in and out of that last one.)
I should, conceivably, be in the best mood of my entire life. So why aren't I? I have a few theories but the one that I am sticking with lately is that I have no balance. I went from a life of debt, cigarettes, spaghetti-o's, alcohol and an overabundance of marijuana to this new clean, healthy life. And sure....I still go out and drink from time to time, I still eat McDonald's apple pies at 2am and I still enjoy the pleasures of being a young, beautiful, single woman.(censored for the benefit of the parental units) The major difference is that now I feel like those things all undo everything else I'm doing. Whereas before any healthy thing I chose to do would not inhibit my ability to get plowed, now getting plowed inhibits my ability to get healthy. So when I try to achieve balance....I get covered in guilt for destroying the work that I've done to better myself both mentally, physically and financially, ultimately ending up feeling like my aforementioned lifestyle might have been a better choice. I was depressed and sickly but at least I wasn't up at night struggling with the to be or not to be question.
Also plagueing my already infected mind is the idea that for first time in my life....I have no idea what to do. I can do anything I want to right now, my possibilities are endless. At one point, not long ago, if this had been an option I would have given you a thousand ideas as to what I would do. Now that I have the option....I'm drawing a blank. When all I could afford to do was survive, necessity pushed me through my life like a bulldozer waiting to run me over. If I stopped the struggle for a moment I would be a pancake. Now, there is absolutely nothing to push me, no bulldozer in my rearview, no do or die mentality. Now there is only self-motivation and desire. Oh poor me-right? I should not be whinning about having the greatest opportunity of my life and trust me, that is NOT my intention. I am only saying that sometimes it's easier to run if you are running from something as opposed to towards the unknown. If I knew exactly what to do or what path I should take....I could form a plan and follow the appropriate steps to get there. Without it I feel like a fish out of water. But who truly knows which path to take? How do I know the path I choose is the right one? Is it better to not have a choice or have all the choices in the world? Maybe I should travel, or teach, or act, or become a foster mom, or become a kickboxer, or settle down and have a family of my own, or go back to school, or join the canabus coalition, or be an assistant for some big movie star, or work at Blockbuster, or become a writer, or work construction, or sell jewelry, or be a secret shopper, or study to become a tattoo artist, or SLOWLY GO INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I write down these options only because these are all things that I have seriously pondered in the last 8 months of my life. I have nothing holding me back from any of these things but I have no idea what to choose. Acting is obviously something I would love to do but I don't want to invest the time and money into it if it isn't my chosen path. When it was the only thing I thought I was good at, it was an easy option but now that my confidence level is higher...the options are endless.
Don't even get me started on love....