Monday, May 25, 2009
Identity
Currently I am struggling with something I can only assume is an identity crisis. With such crisis comes the need to be introspective....thus this blog.
I am more "me" now than I have been in years. I am healthy, and by which I mean: eating right, working out, getting plenty of fluids and plenty of fresh air. I am happy, and by which I mean: I love my job, love my family, love my friends, enjoy the volunteering and other altruistic endeavors I'm involved in. I am confident, and by which I mean: I no longer feel the need to reward dinner and drinks with my sex, I no longer feel my life is measured by the man attached to it and I no longer see myself as a victim of life. (Ok....so I am fluctuating in and out of that last one.)
I should, conceivably, be in the best mood of my entire life. So why aren't I? I have a few theories but the one that I am sticking with lately is that I have no balance. I went from a life of debt, cigarettes, spaghetti-o's, alcohol and an overabundance of marijuana to this new clean, healthy life. And sure....I still go out and drink from time to time, I still eat McDonald's apple pies at 2am and I still enjoy the pleasures of being a young, beautiful, single woman.(censored for the benefit of the parental units) The major difference is that now I feel like those things all undo everything else I'm doing. Whereas before any healthy thing I chose to do would not inhibit my ability to get plowed, now getting plowed inhibits my ability to get healthy. So when I try to achieve balance....I get covered in guilt for destroying the work that I've done to better myself both mentally, physically and financially, ultimately ending up feeling like my aforementioned lifestyle might have been a better choice. I was depressed and sickly but at least I wasn't up at night struggling with the to be or not to be question.
Also plagueing my already infected mind is the idea that for first time in my life....I have no idea what to do. I can do anything I want to right now, my possibilities are endless. At one point, not long ago, if this had been an option I would have given you a thousand ideas as to what I would do. Now that I have the option....I'm drawing a blank. When all I could afford to do was survive, necessity pushed me through my life like a bulldozer waiting to run me over. If I stopped the struggle for a moment I would be a pancake. Now, there is absolutely nothing to push me, no bulldozer in my rearview, no do or die mentality. Now there is only self-motivation and desire. Oh poor me-right? I should not be whinning about having the greatest opportunity of my life and trust me, that is NOT my intention. I am only saying that sometimes it's easier to run if you are running from something as opposed to towards the unknown. If I knew exactly what to do or what path I should take....I could form a plan and follow the appropriate steps to get there. Without it I feel like a fish out of water. But who truly knows which path to take? How do I know the path I choose is the right one? Is it better to not have a choice or have all the choices in the world? Maybe I should travel, or teach, or act, or become a foster mom, or become a kickboxer, or settle down and have a family of my own, or go back to school, or join the canabus coalition, or be an assistant for some big movie star, or work at Blockbuster, or become a writer, or work construction, or sell jewelry, or be a secret shopper, or study to become a tattoo artist, or SLOWLY GO INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I write down these options only because these are all things that I have seriously pondered in the last 8 months of my life. I have nothing holding me back from any of these things but I have no idea what to choose. Acting is obviously something I would love to do but I don't want to invest the time and money into it if it isn't my chosen path. When it was the only thing I thought I was good at, it was an easy option but now that my confidence level is higher...the options are endless.
Don't even get me started on love....
I am more "me" now than I have been in years. I am healthy, and by which I mean: eating right, working out, getting plenty of fluids and plenty of fresh air. I am happy, and by which I mean: I love my job, love my family, love my friends, enjoy the volunteering and other altruistic endeavors I'm involved in. I am confident, and by which I mean: I no longer feel the need to reward dinner and drinks with my sex, I no longer feel my life is measured by the man attached to it and I no longer see myself as a victim of life. (Ok....so I am fluctuating in and out of that last one.)
I should, conceivably, be in the best mood of my entire life. So why aren't I? I have a few theories but the one that I am sticking with lately is that I have no balance. I went from a life of debt, cigarettes, spaghetti-o's, alcohol and an overabundance of marijuana to this new clean, healthy life. And sure....I still go out and drink from time to time, I still eat McDonald's apple pies at 2am and I still enjoy the pleasures of being a young, beautiful, single woman.(censored for the benefit of the parental units) The major difference is that now I feel like those things all undo everything else I'm doing. Whereas before any healthy thing I chose to do would not inhibit my ability to get plowed, now getting plowed inhibits my ability to get healthy. So when I try to achieve balance....I get covered in guilt for destroying the work that I've done to better myself both mentally, physically and financially, ultimately ending up feeling like my aforementioned lifestyle might have been a better choice. I was depressed and sickly but at least I wasn't up at night struggling with the to be or not to be question.
Also plagueing my already infected mind is the idea that for first time in my life....I have no idea what to do. I can do anything I want to right now, my possibilities are endless. At one point, not long ago, if this had been an option I would have given you a thousand ideas as to what I would do. Now that I have the option....I'm drawing a blank. When all I could afford to do was survive, necessity pushed me through my life like a bulldozer waiting to run me over. If I stopped the struggle for a moment I would be a pancake. Now, there is absolutely nothing to push me, no bulldozer in my rearview, no do or die mentality. Now there is only self-motivation and desire. Oh poor me-right? I should not be whinning about having the greatest opportunity of my life and trust me, that is NOT my intention. I am only saying that sometimes it's easier to run if you are running from something as opposed to towards the unknown. If I knew exactly what to do or what path I should take....I could form a plan and follow the appropriate steps to get there. Without it I feel like a fish out of water. But who truly knows which path to take? How do I know the path I choose is the right one? Is it better to not have a choice or have all the choices in the world? Maybe I should travel, or teach, or act, or become a foster mom, or become a kickboxer, or settle down and have a family of my own, or go back to school, or join the canabus coalition, or be an assistant for some big movie star, or work at Blockbuster, or become a writer, or work construction, or sell jewelry, or be a secret shopper, or study to become a tattoo artist, or SLOWLY GO INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I write down these options only because these are all things that I have seriously pondered in the last 8 months of my life. I have nothing holding me back from any of these things but I have no idea what to choose. Acting is obviously something I would love to do but I don't want to invest the time and money into it if it isn't my chosen path. When it was the only thing I thought I was good at, it was an easy option but now that my confidence level is higher...the options are endless.
Don't even get me started on love....
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
So much to blog.....so little time
This is my double-edged sword. If I'm not doing anything, I have very little to blog about but if I'm off and experiencing life, I have no time to blog. May is shaping up to be a pretty busy month for me so I am taking the opportunity to catch up on all my blogging needs.
First, let's start with Boston. I went to Boston for spring break and it was awesome...excluding the lack of spring. My first night in Boston was relatively calm with a Thai dinner and early to bed. Needless to say we made up for that the following five nights. I don't know that I could have consumed more ru
m in more places than I did with my fellow alchies...Melissa and Tim! We ate, we drank, we got tattooed...it was beautiful. Expensive, but beautiful! I have to say, however, my favorite part of my entire time in Boston was the time I got to spend just hanging out with Melissa and Tim. You don't realize how much you miss someone until you get the chance to reconnect. I am so lucky to have Melissa in my life...her husband is a nice bonus too. (Ahhh....Timmy you know I love you.)
Next, I got a quick week back with my girls and then it was off to Stockton to visit my sexually-exclusive-non-committed-dating-situation...otherwise known as Jason. I had an absolutely fabulous time. The details of this experience, I'll keep to myself...but a fun time was had by all involved.
Finally, two more fun weeks with the girls and we are off this weekend to celebrate my sister's birthday! Woo HOO! I am so excited! We are going to have a wonderful relaxing weekend and on Sunday we are going to take a Trapeze lesson. I have always wanted to learn how to fly. I hav
e been skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping and now it is time to learn how to work a trapeze! Who knows? Maybe I will find a new calling in the circus. Damn carnies...every time you try to get away they tempt you with trapeze.
Wish us luck....if anyting happens, tell my folks I love them.
First, let's start with Boston. I went to Boston for spring break and it was awesome...excluding the lack of spring. My first night in Boston was relatively calm with a Thai dinner and early to bed. Needless to say we made up for that the following five nights. I don't know that I could have consumed more ru
m in more places than I did with my fellow alchies...Melissa and Tim! We ate, we drank, we got tattooed...it was beautiful. Expensive, but beautiful! I have to say, however, my favorite part of my entire time in Boston was the time I got to spend just hanging out with Melissa and Tim. You don't realize how much you miss someone until you get the chance to reconnect. I am so lucky to have Melissa in my life...her husband is a nice bonus too. (Ahhh....Timmy you know I love you.)Next, I got a quick week back with my girls and then it was off to Stockton to visit my sexually-exclusive-non-committed-dating-situation...otherwise known as Jason. I had an absolutely fabulous time. The details of this experience, I'll keep to myself...but a fun time was had by all involved.
Finally, two more fun weeks with the girls and we are off this weekend to celebrate my sister's birthday! Woo HOO! I am so excited! We are going to have a wonderful relaxing weekend and on Sunday we are going to take a Trapeze lesson. I have always wanted to learn how to fly. I hav
e been skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping and now it is time to learn how to work a trapeze! Who knows? Maybe I will find a new calling in the circus. Damn carnies...every time you try to get away they tempt you with trapeze.Wish us luck....if anyting happens, tell my folks I love them.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
The problem with sleep...
I have been suffering from insomnia for the last week and I have managed to get sleep by drinking until I was so tired I passed out. Unfortunately, this method is counterproductive. I don't want to drink a six pack a night and I definitely don't want to deal with a hangover when I am watching the girls, so.....what to do? I tried counting sheep, listening to relaxing music, going to my happy place, reading and just about everything else you can think of but nothing seems to be working. I nap during the day and it doesn't help. I stay up all day, even if I haven't slept all night, and it doesn't help. I work out and it makes sleeping at night more difficult. I don't work out and stay at home all day and I'm still awake at 3 am watching a Pauly Shore marathon.(Desperation makes you make poor movie choices.) On days that I drink coffee, I'm tired and can't sleep, on days that I don't I'm still tired and can't sleep. Now...let me make clear what I believe sleep to be. Sleep, in my definition, is more than 3 hours of uninterrupted brain rest. Anything else is a nap, not sleep. This afternoon for example, I tried desperately to get some sleep. The girls went down for a nap at 2:15pm so I lied down. By 3pm I was looking at the clock wondering if I should get online and research the Great Depression. Finally at 3:30-3:45pm I heard the girls crying in the other room. I waited for a few minutes to see if they would go back to sleep and then got up to get them. Andrea beat me to it and thus I went back to bed. From 4pm-5:30pm I napped. From 5:30 to 7pm I lied in my bed tossing and turning, trying desperately to get back to sleep. After an hour and half of thinking and turning...I got up and took a shower. This sucks! It is very difficult to suss out why this is happening. I am super happy. I love my life and I am not anxious about anything. I just can't stop the thought processes. They aren't even always really intellectual thoughts, sometimes they are just random things. Why do they give you 10 hot dogs but only 8 hot dog buns? What's the best way to grow tomatoes? Should we get a dog? What am I going to wear tomorrow? Should I have eggs or cereal for breakfast? Sometimes it's even just statements like...I should call mom tomorrow or Maybe I'll take the girls to the dog park in the morning or even, I should do more yoga. I don't know what is making my brain so active, but whatever it is, it's keeping me from sleep. As I am writing this, it is almost 1 am and if you factor in my 1.5 hour nap, I have slept 5.5 hours in the last 40. By the looks of this evening, it will be a while before I can achieve REM status so...we'll see how long this lasts. Any thoughts would be appreciated as, it's obvious, I don't have any answers.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thoughts on Love Skewed by Country Music
This blog will be forever known as my confession blog:
I watched American Idol tonight (#1) and it was the elimination round for the Grand Ole Op'ry week. Because it takes 2 minutes to say who has been eliminated the geniuses at FOX fill up the hour with actual musicians of the genre. I have to say I love country music. (#2) I saw Brad Paisley sing his new song "Then" and normally I think he looks a little bit like one of the rats from The Secret of NIHM (#3) but when he started singing I became strangely attracted to him. (#4) I'm watching and feeling my eyes start to swell and my throat close up a little (#5) and then I realize...it isn't Brad Paisley..it's the damn song! I have spent the last year and a half of my life trying to discover what I think love is or isn't and, truth be told, it hasn't been an easy process. Now I know what has been messin' me up. It's the country music! Every song in country music is meant to tell a story. Usually that story has something to do with love. Love of tractor, love of beer but often times love of a person. As the song finished, it dawned on me that I have been listening to country songs since I was a kid and all my thoughts on love have been subliminally altered by the lyrics. No wonder I have been disappointed in all my past relationships. (#6) Who the hell can live up to lyrics like, "I'm not a man who's ever been insecure about the world he's been living in/I don't break easy/ I have my pride/ but if you need to be satisfied/I'm Shameless"? Or the classic "I'll make you happy/make you dreams come true/walk to the ends of the earth for you/to make you feel my love" ? No real guy ever stood a chance. Granted, up until lately, the caliber of men I dated were more Larry the Cable Guy less Garth Brooks(#7)....but even so. My mind has been brainwashed into believing love should be like country music and that just isn't always true. (I wanted to say-isn't ever true--but it has to be true sometimes because some one has to feel that way to write those lyrics so either they are delusional or they really feel that kind of earth shattering love.) Now I wonder if I am not completely jaded and cynical for believing that the kind of love these artists sing about is not a love that will stand the test of time. Garth Brooks left his wife and kids to marry Trisha Yearwood and statistically country boys are more likely to cheat. So is it just music? Is it creative license? Whatever it is, I'm onto you now country music! No more manipulating me! It's time to stand up against the impossible love and go for the more reasonable choice. Give me Motown or give me death!
I watched American Idol tonight (#1) and it was the elimination round for the Grand Ole Op'ry week. Because it takes 2 minutes to say who has been eliminated the geniuses at FOX fill up the hour with actual musicians of the genre. I have to say I love country music. (#2) I saw Brad Paisley sing his new song "Then" and normally I think he looks a little bit like one of the rats from The Secret of NIHM (#3) but when he started singing I became strangely attracted to him. (#4) I'm watching and feeling my eyes start to swell and my throat close up a little (#5) and then I realize...it isn't Brad Paisley..it's the damn song! I have spent the last year and a half of my life trying to discover what I think love is or isn't and, truth be told, it hasn't been an easy process. Now I know what has been messin' me up. It's the country music! Every song in country music is meant to tell a story. Usually that story has something to do with love. Love of tractor, love of beer but often times love of a person. As the song finished, it dawned on me that I have been listening to country songs since I was a kid and all my thoughts on love have been subliminally altered by the lyrics. No wonder I have been disappointed in all my past relationships. (#6) Who the hell can live up to lyrics like, "I'm not a man who's ever been insecure about the world he's been living in/I don't break easy/ I have my pride/ but if you need to be satisfied/I'm Shameless"? Or the classic "I'll make you happy/make you dreams come true/walk to the ends of the earth for you/to make you feel my love" ? No real guy ever stood a chance. Granted, up until lately, the caliber of men I dated were more Larry the Cable Guy less Garth Brooks(#7)....but even so. My mind has been brainwashed into believing love should be like country music and that just isn't always true. (I wanted to say-isn't ever true--but it has to be true sometimes because some one has to feel that way to write those lyrics so either they are delusional or they really feel that kind of earth shattering love.) Now I wonder if I am not completely jaded and cynical for believing that the kind of love these artists sing about is not a love that will stand the test of time. Garth Brooks left his wife and kids to marry Trisha Yearwood and statistically country boys are more likely to cheat. So is it just music? Is it creative license? Whatever it is, I'm onto you now country music! No more manipulating me! It's time to stand up against the impossible love and go for the more reasonable choice. Give me Motown or give me death!
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