New Year, New Blog

We all leave the west coast tomorrow; headed to Atlanta for Christmas. I have never wanted a vacation quite like I WANT this vacation. I asked the girls all day who we were going to see tomorrow.....just so I could hear them run through every name in the family. They even listed some people we aren't going see but it was so cute, I didn't correct them.

It's going to be 2010 in a few weeks and I've decided, after careful consideration, to change this blog. It will no longer be about drunken escapades...sorry Mis, I know how you love those......but from now on this will be "Letters for my Girls." I haven't decided if these letters will include ALL my girls, but for sure all the baby girls in my life. Often times during the day I think about what I will say to the girls when they get older and ask me questions. I think about the kind of questions they will be asking. I think about how I would have wanted someone to explain it to me when I asked those same questions. I think about it a lot and I just don't have enough space in my brain to hold onto these answers. Thus, a new blog is born.

So.....here goes......Letter One:

One day a hare (that's a bunny) saw a tortoise walking slowly along and began to laugh and mock him. The hare challenged the tortoise to a race and the tortoise accepted. They agreed on a route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race.

He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise, plodding on, overtook him and finished the race. The hare woke up and realized that he had lost the race.

Slow and steady wins the race.

...sometimes.

This is a great story but I think that it is ambitious to possess the inner peace of a tortoise. May I suggest a turtle instead. Turtles can live most their life on land or live most of it in water. (Even sea turtles come to land to give birth) The KEY word here is MOST. Turtles have a balance. Slow and steady on land...fast like lightening in the water! When I moved to L.A., I had two red-eared sliders. They were no bigger than a quarter when I got them. These turtles spent their time on a rock under a heat lamp and then dive into the water and chill for a while.

I think it works sometimes to go slow and steady. But sometimes life comes at you fast and if you don't get some speed it will knock you over. Sometimes you can't always find the motivation to keep going at the same pace. Sometimes you're gonna need to rest. Sometimes the damn bunny wakes up and wins at the very last minute. Forget the bunny----Think about the turtles.

Aunt LaLa's words of wisdom:

When the rock gets too hot, get in the water
When the water makes you tired, get on the rock.

Ahhhhhh.......blogging

This is the official first blog of the new apartment. There have been so many moments that I wish I could have documented, but just didn't have the time. Living alone has taken a bit of getting used to. It does, however, give me an AWFUL lot of time with my thoughts. If you know me, you know that this can be either very productive or very.......crazy. I had a friend once who spent three months in a cabin, in the woods, in upstate New York, alone and he almost lost his mind. I think about him sometimes when I realize that it's 5pm on my day off and I haven't seen or spoken to anyone else.

I'm pretty lucky that I'm around people most of the time (most of them little people but people none the less) and almost all of them are happy. My family was blessed with a new little man a few months ago and I can't wait to meet him. My other sister's girls are the joy in my everyday....regardless of whether they are screaming at pitches I have only heard in horror movies or laughing for absolutely no known reason. My brother just got a house, with a yard and he's happy. I have great friends. Financially, I'm doing great. I just got a promotion and I'm debt free. I'm healthy, strong and my body's never looked this good. All things that used to plague my mind.....finances, family, friends, health.....now are where I need them to be. Essentially, I have nothing to worry about.

I will understand if some of you want to punch me in the face.

Up until about 5 months ago I didn't think any of that would happen to me. I am truly blessed and gifted to be living in my life right now. This was probably the best decision I have ever made. I couldn't have done it without the support of my family. My whole life has been spent trying to be a part of something bigger than myself, but it was here all along. Not necessarily "here", in L.A., but "here" in my family. My cup runneth over!

Sure, I have some things that I still need work on and I go a little kooky sometimes, but all in all.. I'm a joyful girl.

So....thanks.

What a summer!

Summer is over and it's time to get back to reality.
I had a blast and I'm ready to put my nose to the grindstone. New apartment, no more debt, single and free...what could be better?

ADELE on SUNDAY!!!!!

I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades

I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met

Are the wonders of my world

woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I GET A WTF?!!!

Identity

Currently I am struggling with something I can only assume is an identity crisis. With such crisis comes the need to be introspective....thus this blog.
I am more "me" now than I have been in years. I am healthy, and by which I mean: eating right, working out, getting plenty of fluids and plenty of fresh air. I am happy, and by which I mean: I love my job, love my family, love my friends, enjoy the volunteering and other altruistic endeavors I'm involved in. I am confident, and by which I mean: I no longer feel the need to reward dinner and drinks with my sex, I no longer feel my life is measured by the man attached to it and I no longer see myself as a victim of life. (Ok....so I am fluctuating in and out of that last one.)
I should, conceivably, be in the best mood of my entire life. So why aren't I? I have a few theories but the one that I am sticking with lately is that I have no balance. I went from a life of debt, cigarettes, spaghetti-o's, alcohol and an overabundance of marijuana to this new clean, healthy life. And sure....I still go out and drink from time to time, I still eat McDonald's apple pies at 2am and I still enjoy the pleasures of being a young, beautiful, single woman.(censored for the benefit of the parental units) The major difference is that now I feel like those things all undo everything else I'm doing. Whereas before any healthy thing I chose to do would not inhibit my ability to get plowed, now getting plowed inhibits my ability to get healthy. So when I try to achieve balance....I get covered in guilt for destroying the work that I've done to better myself both mentally, physically and financially, ultimately ending up feeling like my aforementioned lifestyle might have been a better choice. I was depressed and sickly but at least I wasn't up at night struggling with the to be or not to be question.
Also plagueing my already infected mind is the idea that for first time in my life....I have no idea what to do. I can do anything I want to right now, my possibilities are endless. At one point, not long ago, if this had been an option I would have given you a thousand ideas as to what I would do. Now that I have the option....I'm drawing a blank. When all I could afford to do was survive, necessity pushed me through my life like a bulldozer waiting to run me over. If I stopped the struggle for a moment I would be a pancake. Now, there is absolutely nothing to push me, no bulldozer in my rearview, no do or die mentality. Now there is only self-motivation and desire. Oh poor me-right? I should not be whinning about having the greatest opportunity of my life and trust me, that is NOT my intention. I am only saying that sometimes it's easier to run if you are running from something as opposed to towards the unknown. If I knew exactly what to do or what path I should take....I could form a plan and follow the appropriate steps to get there. Without it I feel like a fish out of water. But who truly knows which path to take? How do I know the path I choose is the right one? Is it better to not have a choice or have all the choices in the world? Maybe I should travel, or teach, or act, or become a foster mom, or become a kickboxer, or settle down and have a family of my own, or go back to school, or join the canabus coalition, or be an assistant for some big movie star, or work at Blockbuster, or become a writer, or work construction, or sell jewelry, or be a secret shopper, or study to become a tattoo artist, or SLOWLY GO INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I write down these options only because these are all things that I have seriously pondered in the last 8 months of my life. I have nothing holding me back from any of these things but I have no idea what to choose. Acting is obviously something I would love to do but I don't want to invest the time and money into it if it isn't my chosen path. When it was the only thing I thought I was good at, it was an easy option but now that my confidence level is higher...the options are endless.
Don't even get me started on love....

So much to blog.....so little time

This is my double-edged sword. If I'm not doing anything, I have very little to blog about but if I'm off and experiencing life, I have no time to blog. May is shaping up to be a pretty busy month for me so I am taking the opportunity to catch up on all my blogging needs.

First, let's start with Boston. I went to Boston for spring break and it was awesome...excluding the lack of spring. My first night in Boston was relatively calm with a Thai dinner and early to bed. Needless to say we made up for that the following five nights. I don't know that I could have consumed more rum in more places than I did with my fellow alchies...Melissa and Tim! We ate, we drank, we got tattooed...it was beautiful. Expensive, but beautiful! I have to say, however, my favorite part of my entire time in Boston was the time I got to spend just hanging out with Melissa and Tim. You don't realize how much you miss someone until you get the chance to reconnect. I am so lucky to have Melissa in my life...her husband is a nice bonus too. (Ahhh....Timmy you know I love you.)
Next, I got a quick week back with my girls and then it was off to Stockton to visit my sexually-exclusive-non-committed-dating-situation...otherwise known as Jason. I had an absolutely fabulous time. The details of this experience, I'll keep to myself...but a fun time was had by all involved.
Finally, two more fun weeks with the girls and we are off this weekend to celebrate my sister's birthday! Woo HOO! I am so excited! We are going to have a wonderful relaxing weekend and on Sunday we are going to take a Trapeze lesson. I have always wanted to learn how to fly. I have been skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping and now it is time to learn how to work a trapeze! Who knows? Maybe I will find a new calling in the circus. Damn carnies...every time you try to get away they tempt you with trapeze.
Wish us luck....if anyting happens, tell my folks I love them.