My Stockton-Stockton Adventure.

Out of all the places I thought I would be this New Year, Stockton was not one of them. Alas, my open-honest-non-committed-dating-situation led me to be a Stockton in Stockton. Of course I made plans at the very last minute, as Stocktons are known to do, and decided to take the Greyhound bus, the least expensive option. I'd taken buses back and forth to Boston when I lived in New York and honestly, it wasn't that bad. Unless of course you took the Fung-Wah bus..in which case you were taking you life in your hands for the bargain price of $15. The Greyhound to Boston is a five hour trip so the EIGHT hour trip to Stockton I assumed wouldn't be great, but I could do it.
Next time I'm taking a plane.
I arrived at the bus station in LA at 12:45am. I expected to have to don my Brooklyn-girl attitude when I arrived but it was actually quite nice. There was a hot food station there, some Asian kids on laptops and Conan O'Brian on the 5 flat screen TVs so my fears were quickly calmed. I grabbed a Snickers and a bottle of water for the trip and made myself as comfortable as possible in the teal metal chairs. By 1:25am we were boarding and it seemed like a relatively pain-free process. I boarded the bus hoping like hell for a window seat but they were all taken. I chose as wisely as I could by sitting next to a young Latino kid who I knew was also travelling to Stockton, as I had heard the driver tell him to "Stay on til Stockton". This was my best option. Other options included someone I will call Hairy Man and a younger female we'll call Scary Girl. Hairy Man was just that...completely covered in hair. His entire face was covered in hair. I tried desperately not to stare but I had never seen someone so hairy before. I stopped looking after he caught my gaze with his crazy eyes. Scary girl was sitting across from me. She was scary not because of the way she looked but because of her attitude. She walked on the bus like she was ready to kill someone. She must have bumped into me a half-dozen times as she was putting up her bag. Once a actually saw the Care Bear underwear she was wearing sticking out above her Baby Phat sweat pants. She was swearing the whole time about what I wasn't sure. Finally she sat down, pulled a blanket over her and stuck her feet right across the aisle onto my arm rest. Ahh, the Greyhound..what fun.
We must have made 20 stops along the way. In towns I have never heard of. Towns, I truly feel like America forgot about it. There is nothing to see except strange tumbleweed like plants that looked as though they had already been touched by the Grimm Reaper. When we got to Fresno some folks got off the bus and failed to return on time so we just left them there. Our driver obviously had no patience as he saw them banging on the door and continued to drive. I never got off the bus for that exact reason but that led me to make a very difficult, yet necessary decision. I had to use the bathroom on the moving bus. If you have ever had to pee on a bus you know my dilemma. You cannot touch anything in a bus bathroom because you don't know what crazy diseases have been there before you. The blue port-a-potty water is sloshing around in the hole that is the toilet so you don't want to sit or even get too close to the seat for fear it might touch you. Squatting and trying not to pee yourself is a true test in leg strength and stamina. Not something I recommend. Finally arriving in Stockton at 9:45am I was thirsty, tired and pretty sure I had contracted TB. I saw my PIMP (Practically Independent Male Partner) waiting for me and I jumped-literally- with joy.
I think I will try and get a ride back to LA.