New Year, New Blog

We all leave the west coast tomorrow; headed to Atlanta for Christmas. I have never wanted a vacation quite like I WANT this vacation. I asked the girls all day who we were going to see tomorrow.....just so I could hear them run through every name in the family. They even listed some people we aren't going see but it was so cute, I didn't correct them.

It's going to be 2010 in a few weeks and I've decided, after careful consideration, to change this blog. It will no longer be about drunken escapades...sorry Mis, I know how you love those......but from now on this will be "Letters for my Girls." I haven't decided if these letters will include ALL my girls, but for sure all the baby girls in my life. Often times during the day I think about what I will say to the girls when they get older and ask me questions. I think about the kind of questions they will be asking. I think about how I would have wanted someone to explain it to me when I asked those same questions. I think about it a lot and I just don't have enough space in my brain to hold onto these answers. Thus, a new blog is born.

So.....here goes......Letter One:

One day a hare (that's a bunny) saw a tortoise walking slowly along and began to laugh and mock him. The hare challenged the tortoise to a race and the tortoise accepted. They agreed on a route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought he'd sit under a tree for some time and relax before continuing the race.

He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise, plodding on, overtook him and finished the race. The hare woke up and realized that he had lost the race.

Slow and steady wins the race.

...sometimes.

This is a great story but I think that it is ambitious to possess the inner peace of a tortoise. May I suggest a turtle instead. Turtles can live most their life on land or live most of it in water. (Even sea turtles come to land to give birth) The KEY word here is MOST. Turtles have a balance. Slow and steady on land...fast like lightening in the water! When I moved to L.A., I had two red-eared sliders. They were no bigger than a quarter when I got them. These turtles spent their time on a rock under a heat lamp and then dive into the water and chill for a while.

I think it works sometimes to go slow and steady. But sometimes life comes at you fast and if you don't get some speed it will knock you over. Sometimes you can't always find the motivation to keep going at the same pace. Sometimes you're gonna need to rest. Sometimes the damn bunny wakes up and wins at the very last minute. Forget the bunny----Think about the turtles.

Aunt LaLa's words of wisdom:

When the rock gets too hot, get in the water
When the water makes you tired, get on the rock.

Ahhhhhh.......blogging

This is the official first blog of the new apartment. There have been so many moments that I wish I could have documented, but just didn't have the time. Living alone has taken a bit of getting used to. It does, however, give me an AWFUL lot of time with my thoughts. If you know me, you know that this can be either very productive or very.......crazy. I had a friend once who spent three months in a cabin, in the woods, in upstate New York, alone and he almost lost his mind. I think about him sometimes when I realize that it's 5pm on my day off and I haven't seen or spoken to anyone else.

I'm pretty lucky that I'm around people most of the time (most of them little people but people none the less) and almost all of them are happy. My family was blessed with a new little man a few months ago and I can't wait to meet him. My other sister's girls are the joy in my everyday....regardless of whether they are screaming at pitches I have only heard in horror movies or laughing for absolutely no known reason. My brother just got a house, with a yard and he's happy. I have great friends. Financially, I'm doing great. I just got a promotion and I'm debt free. I'm healthy, strong and my body's never looked this good. All things that used to plague my mind.....finances, family, friends, health.....now are where I need them to be. Essentially, I have nothing to worry about.

I will understand if some of you want to punch me in the face.

Up until about 5 months ago I didn't think any of that would happen to me. I am truly blessed and gifted to be living in my life right now. This was probably the best decision I have ever made. I couldn't have done it without the support of my family. My whole life has been spent trying to be a part of something bigger than myself, but it was here all along. Not necessarily "here", in L.A., but "here" in my family. My cup runneth over!

Sure, I have some things that I still need work on and I go a little kooky sometimes, but all in all.. I'm a joyful girl.

So....thanks.

What a summer!

Summer is over and it's time to get back to reality.
I had a blast and I'm ready to put my nose to the grindstone. New apartment, no more debt, single and free...what could be better?

ADELE on SUNDAY!!!!!

I've been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?"
"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades

I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I've met

Are the wonders of my world

woo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I GET A WTF?!!!

Identity

Currently I am struggling with something I can only assume is an identity crisis. With such crisis comes the need to be introspective....thus this blog.
I am more "me" now than I have been in years. I am healthy, and by which I mean: eating right, working out, getting plenty of fluids and plenty of fresh air. I am happy, and by which I mean: I love my job, love my family, love my friends, enjoy the volunteering and other altruistic endeavors I'm involved in. I am confident, and by which I mean: I no longer feel the need to reward dinner and drinks with my sex, I no longer feel my life is measured by the man attached to it and I no longer see myself as a victim of life. (Ok....so I am fluctuating in and out of that last one.)
I should, conceivably, be in the best mood of my entire life. So why aren't I? I have a few theories but the one that I am sticking with lately is that I have no balance. I went from a life of debt, cigarettes, spaghetti-o's, alcohol and an overabundance of marijuana to this new clean, healthy life. And sure....I still go out and drink from time to time, I still eat McDonald's apple pies at 2am and I still enjoy the pleasures of being a young, beautiful, single woman.(censored for the benefit of the parental units) The major difference is that now I feel like those things all undo everything else I'm doing. Whereas before any healthy thing I chose to do would not inhibit my ability to get plowed, now getting plowed inhibits my ability to get healthy. So when I try to achieve balance....I get covered in guilt for destroying the work that I've done to better myself both mentally, physically and financially, ultimately ending up feeling like my aforementioned lifestyle might have been a better choice. I was depressed and sickly but at least I wasn't up at night struggling with the to be or not to be question.
Also plagueing my already infected mind is the idea that for first time in my life....I have no idea what to do. I can do anything I want to right now, my possibilities are endless. At one point, not long ago, if this had been an option I would have given you a thousand ideas as to what I would do. Now that I have the option....I'm drawing a blank. When all I could afford to do was survive, necessity pushed me through my life like a bulldozer waiting to run me over. If I stopped the struggle for a moment I would be a pancake. Now, there is absolutely nothing to push me, no bulldozer in my rearview, no do or die mentality. Now there is only self-motivation and desire. Oh poor me-right? I should not be whinning about having the greatest opportunity of my life and trust me, that is NOT my intention. I am only saying that sometimes it's easier to run if you are running from something as opposed to towards the unknown. If I knew exactly what to do or what path I should take....I could form a plan and follow the appropriate steps to get there. Without it I feel like a fish out of water. But who truly knows which path to take? How do I know the path I choose is the right one? Is it better to not have a choice or have all the choices in the world? Maybe I should travel, or teach, or act, or become a foster mom, or become a kickboxer, or settle down and have a family of my own, or go back to school, or join the canabus coalition, or be an assistant for some big movie star, or work at Blockbuster, or become a writer, or work construction, or sell jewelry, or be a secret shopper, or study to become a tattoo artist, or SLOWLY GO INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I write down these options only because these are all things that I have seriously pondered in the last 8 months of my life. I have nothing holding me back from any of these things but I have no idea what to choose. Acting is obviously something I would love to do but I don't want to invest the time and money into it if it isn't my chosen path. When it was the only thing I thought I was good at, it was an easy option but now that my confidence level is higher...the options are endless.
Don't even get me started on love....

So much to blog.....so little time

This is my double-edged sword. If I'm not doing anything, I have very little to blog about but if I'm off and experiencing life, I have no time to blog. May is shaping up to be a pretty busy month for me so I am taking the opportunity to catch up on all my blogging needs.

First, let's start with Boston. I went to Boston for spring break and it was awesome...excluding the lack of spring. My first night in Boston was relatively calm with a Thai dinner and early to bed. Needless to say we made up for that the following five nights. I don't know that I could have consumed more rum in more places than I did with my fellow alchies...Melissa and Tim! We ate, we drank, we got tattooed...it was beautiful. Expensive, but beautiful! I have to say, however, my favorite part of my entire time in Boston was the time I got to spend just hanging out with Melissa and Tim. You don't realize how much you miss someone until you get the chance to reconnect. I am so lucky to have Melissa in my life...her husband is a nice bonus too. (Ahhh....Timmy you know I love you.)
Next, I got a quick week back with my girls and then it was off to Stockton to visit my sexually-exclusive-non-committed-dating-situation...otherwise known as Jason. I had an absolutely fabulous time. The details of this experience, I'll keep to myself...but a fun time was had by all involved.
Finally, two more fun weeks with the girls and we are off this weekend to celebrate my sister's birthday! Woo HOO! I am so excited! We are going to have a wonderful relaxing weekend and on Sunday we are going to take a Trapeze lesson. I have always wanted to learn how to fly. I have been skydiving, hang gliding, bungee jumping and now it is time to learn how to work a trapeze! Who knows? Maybe I will find a new calling in the circus. Damn carnies...every time you try to get away they tempt you with trapeze.
Wish us luck....if anyting happens, tell my folks I love them.

New Credit Card Motto

KISS MY ASS American Express!!!!

The problem with sleep...

I have been suffering from insomnia for the last week and I have managed to get sleep by drinking until I was so tired I passed out. Unfortunately, this method is counterproductive. I don't want to drink a six pack a night and I definitely don't want to deal with a hangover when I am watching the girls, so.....what to do? I tried counting sheep, listening to relaxing music, going to my happy place, reading and just about everything else you can think of but nothing seems to be working. I nap during the day and it doesn't help. I stay up all day, even if I haven't slept all night, and it doesn't help. I work out and it makes sleeping at night more difficult. I don't work out and stay at home all day and I'm still awake at 3 am watching a Pauly Shore marathon.(Desperation makes you make poor movie choices.) On days that I drink coffee, I'm tired and can't sleep, on days that I don't I'm still tired and can't sleep. Now...let me make clear what I believe sleep to be. Sleep, in my definition, is more than 3 hours of uninterrupted brain rest. Anything else is a nap, not sleep. This afternoon for example, I tried desperately to get some sleep. The girls went down for a nap at 2:15pm so I lied down. By 3pm I was looking at the clock wondering if I should get online and research the Great Depression. Finally at 3:30-3:45pm I heard the girls crying in the other room. I waited for a few minutes to see if they would go back to sleep and then got up to get them. Andrea beat me to it and thus I went back to bed. From 4pm-5:30pm I napped. From 5:30 to 7pm I lied in my bed tossing and turning, trying desperately to get back to sleep. After an hour and half of thinking and turning...I got up and took a shower. This sucks! It is very difficult to suss out why this is happening. I am super happy. I love my life and I am not anxious about anything. I just can't stop the thought processes. They aren't even always really intellectual thoughts, sometimes they are just random things. Why do they give you 10 hot dogs but only 8 hot dog buns? What's the best way to grow tomatoes? Should we get a dog? What am I going to wear tomorrow? Should I have eggs or cereal for breakfast? Sometimes it's even just statements like...I should call mom tomorrow or Maybe I'll take the girls to the dog park in the morning or even, I should do more yoga. I don't know what is making my brain so active, but whatever it is, it's keeping me from sleep. As I am writing this, it is almost 1 am and if you factor in my 1.5 hour nap, I have slept 5.5 hours in the last 40. By the looks of this evening, it will be a while before I can achieve REM status so...we'll see how long this lasts. Any thoughts would be appreciated as, it's obvious, I don't have any answers.

That's my man! Barack Obama! I love this picture. Everything is under control!

Thoughts on Love Skewed by Country Music

This blog will be forever known as my confession blog:
I watched American Idol tonight (#1) and it was the elimination round for the Grand Ole Op'ry week. Because it takes 2 minutes to say who has been eliminated the geniuses at FOX fill up the hour with actual musicians of the genre. I have to say I love country music. (#2) I saw Brad Paisley sing his new song "Then" and normally I think he looks a little bit like one of the rats from The Secret of NIHM (#3) but when he started singing I became strangely attracted to him. (#4) I'm watching and feeling my eyes start to swell and my throat close up a little (#5) and then I realize...it isn't Brad Paisley..it's the damn song! I have spent the last year and a half of my life trying to discover what I think love is or isn't and, truth be told, it hasn't been an easy process. Now I know what has been messin' me up. It's the country music! Every song in country music is meant to tell a story. Usually that story has something to do with love. Love of tractor, love of beer but often times love of a person. As the song finished, it dawned on me that I have been listening to country songs since I was a kid and all my thoughts on love have been subliminally altered by the lyrics. No wonder I have been disappointed in all my past relationships. (#6) Who the hell can live up to lyrics like, "I'm not a man who's ever been insecure about the world he's been living in/I don't break easy/ I have my pride/ but if you need to be satisfied/I'm Shameless"? Or the classic "I'll make you happy/make you dreams come true/walk to the ends of the earth for you/to make you feel my love" ? No real guy ever stood a chance. Granted, up until lately, the caliber of men I dated were more Larry the Cable Guy less Garth Brooks(#7)....but even so. My mind has been brainwashed into believing love should be like country music and that just isn't always true. (I wanted to say-isn't ever true--but it has to be true sometimes because some one has to feel that way to write those lyrics so either they are delusional or they really feel that kind of earth shattering love.) Now I wonder if I am not completely jaded and cynical for believing that the kind of love these artists sing about is not a love that will stand the test of time. Garth Brooks left his wife and kids to marry Trisha Yearwood and statistically country boys are more likely to cheat. So is it just music? Is it creative license? Whatever it is, I'm onto you now country music! No more manipulating me! It's time to stand up against the impossible love and go for the more reasonable choice. Give me Motown or give me death!

It's here!

I got my car today! This is happy news. I haven't had a car since 2003 and I am finding the whole thing a little surreal. I feel like a teenager who just got her very first car. I washed it, got new windshield wipers (which I can't put on) , new mats and even one of those air fresheners that smells like vanilla. More than the car itself, the items in the car make me super happy. My grandmother had a vanity (place to put on make-up...for those of you who don't know what a vanity is) and I used to sit there for hours when I was a kid. I would put on her make-up, her perfume and all her jewelry. It made me feel like I was famous. It's mine now and although it needs some work, I am so excited. Also, as a surprise, my Dad put my grandfather's Shakespeare collection in the back seat. I have been admiring them for years and Pappy always said I could have them because I would be the only one who would truly appreciate them. They aren't worth anything but sentimentally they are priceless. Today was a good day for gifts. Thanks DAD!

Blog Blocked...

This is my third attempt to blog in the last week................................maybe four is my magic number.

Montana Moments

My family and I recently went on a vacation to Montana to celebrate my Dad's early 60th birthday. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to severely injure myself when I snowboard. The first year I did it, I hurt my ankle. Second, I hurt my knee. Third, I got a concussion and last year, I dislocated my shoulder. Snowboarding has never been something I have done with ease. This year I mastered the mountain! I went out with my sister and Andrea, with the patience of a saint, instructed me in a language I could understand. I managed to find the balance in my body and after a few runs I was actually starting to see what all the fuss was about. My legs were burning, my abs were sore and I was having fun! I was going fast but I was in control...it was awesome. At one point I actually felt like I could do it all day long, I didn't, but I felt like I could. I went out again the next day, feeling confident and having fun. Falling only a few times, I was elated about my progress. In years passed I had spent more time on my ass in the snow than I had on my board. After a great day on the mountain I decided to reward myself with a cold beer and a dip in the hot tub. I was feeling just fine until about midnight when I suddenly started to itch. And itch. The worst part was I was sitting in a bar with my brother and unable to scratch or have him look at it until we got home. So, I drank more. Finally after stumbling home in the snow I got a good look at it and knew for sure.....I had hot tub folliculitis. It is an infection that is caused from being in a hot tub that hasn't been cleaned properly or used the appropriate amount of chlorine. It causes red bumps all over your body that itch like chicken pox. I spent the next day in the medical clinic getting some antibiotics and then it was home...to bed. I was so bummed. I had finally gotten a taste of what it was like to enjoy snowboarding but ended up in the clinic anyway. Well, there is always next year and at least now I know never to get into another hot tub. Good news is the folliculitis is gone now and I have a new outlook on conquering the mountain.

Thinking about Drinking

So here's my dilemma...I am sort of domestic without the benefits of domesticity, thus I resort to regaining my youth and independence with alcohol. However, I am no longer a spring chicken and alcohol doesn't quite flow through me the same way it used to. In fact, I think I can actually hear my liver screaming after three beers. I don't get "drunk" like I used to either. A six-pack would have made me happy-go-lucky-Laura, now it just makes me sleepy. Now, if I have half a bottle of tequila...I'm sloppy-slurry-Laura as opposed to my younger days of dancing the night away. My friends and I had a 40oz to Freedom party last weekend and played a game called Edward-40-Hands. This is a very interesting game of torture in which you duct tape 40's to your hands and drink til they are gone. I love the idea and, in theory, I should be able to handle it but the next day I woke up wishing I had duct taped my mouth shut instead. My head was pounding and my body felt 20 lbs heavier. I used to drink, smoke and use lots of drugs...all the time...and never felt so crappy the next day. Maybe it is because I only do it on occasion that my body rejects it so much more. Or I'm getting old. Either way, I have to find a solution. Maybe I should drink really expensive alcohol to avoid the hangover or drink cheap alcohol more often...or stop drinking. I'm interested in any feedback. I know there are a few alch-ies out there who can help me find the balance or at least recommend a good hangover remedy.

Recovery...

Yesterday was the twin's first birthday and I never thought I would be so emotional about it. I must have cried at least twice yesterday. The girls didn't cry and Andrea didn't cry...but Aunt LaLa was oh so very emotional. I think it was a combination of things. We spent a lot of time and energy getting ready for the party, so that by the time it actually came to fruition it felt like a great big sigh of relief. Also, seeing the girls' birth video after the party reminded me of the first time I met them. Please remember that falling in love with these two girls changed my life in every way. I was a different person a year ago and in a way, I feel like I have been growing right along side them. Watching them learn to crawl, walk, chew, clap, communicate, laugh, play...words cannot describe my joy, so my tears had to. I managed to keep it together until after all the guests had left (38 people in all) and then crashed.
Today I decided to devote the entire day to myself. I woke up late and stayed in my pajamas til shorty after 1pm. Then I decided that I would spend the money on a much needed personal spa day. I went to get my eyebrows threaded...a technique I found in LA to be much better than waxing but more painful. Then ventured to the nail place to get a pedicure and a bikini wax. Those of you who have had bikini waxes know that this experience is only slightly less violating than the female doctor. It is especially uncomfortable when the beautician tries to strike up conversation. I have learned to combat this by reading a magazine while the torture is taking place. I made it through two issues of OK! and an Allure before my day was over.
I am ready to embrace my week feeling very girl-y and rested.

This one goes out to my single ladies....hello? single ladies?

When you have been single for as long as I have been single...you start to develop interesting habits. For example, for the past week I have been doing laundry, folding it and putting it nicely in the space next to me on my bed. It's a little weird. I sleep on half my bed while my clothes occupy the other half. I could very well put my folded laundry into the drawers where it belongs but instead I just leave it next to me. What makes it more strange is that when I get up in the morning, I go to the drawers for my clothes for the day. I have done this periodically in my two and half years of singleness. I'm not sure why. I'm sure psychologists would say that I am filling some sort of void but I am really happy in my single-hood. (As you can see, I am testing out which word for "single" best fits my situation) It's not as if I am lazy either. I go through the trouble of washing my clothes, folding them and organizing them into categories, I just leave them on "their" side of the bed. Maybe that's it. Maybe in all my singularity (by far my favorite) , I just need a side. When you belong to a couple you each have a side. Side of the bed, side of sink, side of the closet, etc., but when you are single, every side is your side so it doesn't feel like a side. I could have used "side" less in that last sentence but you get my point. When you don't share anything it's hard to feel like you are part of something bigger than yourself and then your world becomes very small. So for now....I have a side and my clothes have a side. Maybe I should get a dog?

Success!

The migraine is over now...thank you all for your positive thoughts and solidarity.

The thing about Migraines....

So if you have ever had a migraine you know what I am about to write. They are the worst. Depending on the type of headache it can feel like Freddy Kruger is scratching the inside of your face off or Thor is putting down the hammer on the inside of your skull. The worst part, there is very little you can do until it passes. I stay curled up in my room with the shades down and the lights off for hours. Sometimes I just sit in a super hot shower and cry. The problem with crying is that it just makes the headache worse. You want to cry because it hurts so bad but if you do you are just asking for more pain. If, perchance, you make it through the to-cry-or-not-to-cry stage, a whole new symptom presents itself. The nausea. This is the part I absolutely hate the most. You want to throw up because you feel so sick but you know that if you do your pain intensifies exponentially. Most people get a headache after throwing up so if you already have one, good luck. On the other hand, if you don't throw up you have to sit with this sickening feeling on top of your already pounding brain. You can't really writhe in pain because movement makes the world spin and you can scream because sound echos inside your head. If you are like me, you start to lose circulation in your extremities and those pin and needles just add to the aggravation. The medication that doctors dole out for this kind of pain can often make things worse. Besides, the side effects are things like..blood clot, stroke, vomiting, dizziness, etc. Why would I want to risk any of those things when I am already in excruciating pain? Why don't they just say, "This will either help you or kill you. Good Luck!" If you have never had a migraine, consider yourself lucky. One day they will develop some sort of helmet you can put on that sucks out the migraine like a vacuum cleaner. Until then, my fellow sufferers, keep on truckin'.

Australia

Australia is by far one of the WORST movies I have ever seen. I wish I could get the three hours of my life back. It was like watching a movie with multiple personality disorder. The opening credits mention something about the Stolen Generation being the mixed children in Australia that were stolen from their parents...so OK, it's about that. Nope.
In the first third of the movie it was about cattle driving. Awesome, a western. Nope. Then it is about the relationship that Nicole Kidman's character develops with the (for lack of a better term) "stolen" orphan boy and the cattle driver. Not quite. Then it's about World War II and Japan's invasion of the country. Maybe. The best part of the movie happened in the first half hour when Hugh Jackman took his shirt off and poured water all over himself. (Sorry...but he is totally on my list and that one moment could sustain me for days) I am not sure what the studios were thinking nominating this for any type of award. Nicole Kidman looked like she was sick through the whole film and her lips were big and puffy like she had done botox. Honestly, give the lady a sandwich! She looks like she is one carrot sick away from death. If the camera adds ten pounds then she must be able to see her own organs. There were moments when she and Hugh Jackman were making love and I swear I thought he was going to break her just by lying on top of her. She used to be bigger. Far and Away, To Die For....she used to have an ass. See what Hollywood does to you.
Hugh Jackman is beautiful. He was the only reason I didn't stop watching but by hour two and a half, even the eye candy gets old. I respect the man as an actor but there was no saving this movie. He could have done a tap dance naked. That might have done it. Considering the insane plot line, I think they could have fit it in somewhere. Ridiculous amounts of money were poured into this film and it tanked. Completely fell short of all it's expectations. I can say with great certainty that I enjoyed The English Patient more than this movie. If this wins an academy award for anything other than scenery, I will have lost all faith in the movie business.

Sorry Hugh, but you have been demoted down the list for making such a poor business decision.

Lucky Me

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

I have the greatest nieces and nephew anyone could ever ask for. My sisters and brothers are the most supportive, generous and understanding people. My extended family, the Schwartz Family, has made me feel so welcome, so at home and they have shown such generosity and grace that it truly renders me speechless. I will always love my parents for bringing into the world and trying to navigate me through it. My friends, no matter how far away they may be, show me endless love and support in the face of their own, very real, problems. How do you thank the people that you love? How do you show them that your life would be as dismal without them in it? Thank you notes can be somewhat trite and often offensive at the waste of paper. Emails seem so impersonal. Thus, I have resorted to blogging. In the past...I would have written everyone who has done something wonderful for me a dramatic, yet, well thought over poem. This year, there are entirely too many people to thank and my writer's block increases with each passing day. I wish I could describe the sadness that I felt less than 6 months ago. The most appropriate metaphor would be as if someone had locked me in a room and shut off the light. I had lost hope, love, confidence and the freedom to be me. How do repay the ones you love for turning on the light, opening the door and giving me another chance? I'm not sure I can...ever. In the words of the lovely Ms. DiFranco,"I owe my life to the people that I love." Those words have never been more true for me than they are now.
I love you all and I would NOT be the woman I am today without you.

Here's to you!

Happy New Year!!!!

Finally, 2009 has arrived. With it, hope for the future. Usually people make resolutions for the new year but I have found that those don't work out so well for me. Everytime I would resolve to do something the pressure of keeping it would inevitably lead me to break it rather quickly, i.e. stop smoking, eat better, stop swearing, etc. Last year I made a "decision" rather than a resolution and gave myself a 90 day time frame. I ended up sticking with that decision for many months after my 90 days were up. So this year I am deciding, not resoluting. (I don't know if that is a word but you get my point.) I have decided to be more decisive. He-he-he.
Truthfully, I have a tough time making decisions. Jason will ask where I want to eat and it is my gut reaction to say, "I don't care," or "Whatever you want." I am going to be more decisive. I am going to really think about what I want before answering questions and if I truly don't have a preference that I will just pick something. I am hoping this will lead me to a more conifident decision making lifestyle. Also, I hope my decision making will rub off on those I live with. The anti-decision making curse is either genetic or a side effect of extreme exhaustion. Deciding to let someone else decide, although it is a decision, is not always effective when the household itself is shifting the decision responsibility.
I have written the word decision so many times that it's starting to look funny.
So I'm off to make great decis....I mean...plans.

My Stockton-Stockton Adventure.

Out of all the places I thought I would be this New Year, Stockton was not one of them. Alas, my open-honest-non-committed-dating-situation led me to be a Stockton in Stockton. Of course I made plans at the very last minute, as Stocktons are known to do, and decided to take the Greyhound bus, the least expensive option. I'd taken buses back and forth to Boston when I lived in New York and honestly, it wasn't that bad. Unless of course you took the Fung-Wah bus..in which case you were taking you life in your hands for the bargain price of $15. The Greyhound to Boston is a five hour trip so the EIGHT hour trip to Stockton I assumed wouldn't be great, but I could do it.
Next time I'm taking a plane.
I arrived at the bus station in LA at 12:45am. I expected to have to don my Brooklyn-girl attitude when I arrived but it was actually quite nice. There was a hot food station there, some Asian kids on laptops and Conan O'Brian on the 5 flat screen TVs so my fears were quickly calmed. I grabbed a Snickers and a bottle of water for the trip and made myself as comfortable as possible in the teal metal chairs. By 1:25am we were boarding and it seemed like a relatively pain-free process. I boarded the bus hoping like hell for a window seat but they were all taken. I chose as wisely as I could by sitting next to a young Latino kid who I knew was also travelling to Stockton, as I had heard the driver tell him to "Stay on til Stockton". This was my best option. Other options included someone I will call Hairy Man and a younger female we'll call Scary Girl. Hairy Man was just that...completely covered in hair. His entire face was covered in hair. I tried desperately not to stare but I had never seen someone so hairy before. I stopped looking after he caught my gaze with his crazy eyes. Scary girl was sitting across from me. She was scary not because of the way she looked but because of her attitude. She walked on the bus like she was ready to kill someone. She must have bumped into me a half-dozen times as she was putting up her bag. Once a actually saw the Care Bear underwear she was wearing sticking out above her Baby Phat sweat pants. She was swearing the whole time about what I wasn't sure. Finally she sat down, pulled a blanket over her and stuck her feet right across the aisle onto my arm rest. Ahh, the Greyhound..what fun.
We must have made 20 stops along the way. In towns I have never heard of. Towns, I truly feel like America forgot about it. There is nothing to see except strange tumbleweed like plants that looked as though they had already been touched by the Grimm Reaper. When we got to Fresno some folks got off the bus and failed to return on time so we just left them there. Our driver obviously had no patience as he saw them banging on the door and continued to drive. I never got off the bus for that exact reason but that led me to make a very difficult, yet necessary decision. I had to use the bathroom on the moving bus. If you have ever had to pee on a bus you know my dilemma. You cannot touch anything in a bus bathroom because you don't know what crazy diseases have been there before you. The blue port-a-potty water is sloshing around in the hole that is the toilet so you don't want to sit or even get too close to the seat for fear it might touch you. Squatting and trying not to pee yourself is a true test in leg strength and stamina. Not something I recommend. Finally arriving in Stockton at 9:45am I was thirsty, tired and pretty sure I had contracted TB. I saw my PIMP (Practically Independent Male Partner) waiting for me and I jumped-literally- with joy.
I think I will try and get a ride back to LA.